Like most of my posts, this one is definitely “me” focused, but I want to talk about a common problem. Adult friendships and the loneliness epidemic.
Loneliness Epidemic
A lot of things are contributing to the loneliness epidemic in the world. Social media, that makes us feel close to people, yet so far removed. Lack of “third places” that people could reliably bump into the same people in, parenthood, financial struggles, lack of self- esteem. The list goes on and on.
The Stats
According to a survey conducted by Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common (or MCC for short), 21% of adults surveyed were experiencing loneliness, for a variety of reasons.
29% of adults in their 30s and older were the highest percentage of adults who were lonely.
29% of adults making less than $30,000 a year were among the highest percentage experiencing loneliness.
Mental health and loneliness go hand in hand, it would seem. A whopping 81% of people struggling with anxiety or depression were also experiencing loneliness.
Suggested Solutions
Some of the solutions suggested by the MCC researchers involved a community that cared about others. Fostering a sense of belonging. Helping those in need. Providing more community activities and green spaces. A call for the local and federal governments working to “build up social infrastructure in order to help people develop meaningful relationships with others”.
Since technology was considered the lead cause of loneliness by 73%, cutting time on social media to a minimum and valuing more in person interaction, could also be beneficial.
My Personal Experience
I am working on making long term friendships as an adult. Quality relationships that are two sided. It’s pretty vulnerable for me to admit this, but it isn’t easy for me.
I’m not always the best friend. If I haven’t spoken to a friend in a while, I feel super bad about it, overthink if said friend is upset with me, and then I end up just not speaking at all.
I’ll admit, I lack some skills. Fundamentally, I’m not the best friend ever. I don’t drive, I have a child that I’m terrified of leaving (Yay, PPA three years later!), and I’m also not financially in the best place. I have low self – esteem, OCD and ADHD, and overthinking is my brains favorite activity.
My therapist suggested writing down things that I am looking for in a friend. Here’s my bulleted list:
Dependable
Willing to theatrically sing songs with me like we are in the glee club
Cares about the environment
Likes hiking
Has similar music tastes (or is willing to listen to different things)
Enjoys reading
Doesn’t hate kids (obviously cause I have one)
Morally compatible (believes in the same things I do like basic human rights)
I don’t think I’m asking for too much. The list seems pretty fair. Just someone to hang out with, to lean on and cry to, have fun with. I have a husband, but a girl just needs a friend too.
Obviously, you can’t expect a friend to check every box.
Learning How
I recently watched this video on adult Friendships by Soju with Sarah.
Sarah mentioned in the video that friendships are hard to make as an adult because you have to make a conscious effort to make them. I suggest taking a look at her video because she goes into a lot more detail, but she talks about the power of following up with people after hanging out and her boyfriend mentions not setting yourself up to be the “listener” friend. At some point in her video, the sentence “if you want to be everyone’s friend, then you are not being a friend to yourself” was said.
If you want to be everyone’s friend, then you are not being a friend to yourself.
Soju with Sarah
Safe to say, my jaw was on the floor. I think in some ways I knew that being friends with everyone wasn’t the best idea. A girl can dream though. I always wanted big birthday parties or, at one point, a big wedding full to the brim with friends who loved me for who I am. To have a table full of people who chose to be there because I am their friend. I tried to cling to the few friends I had at one point, just for that reason. I wanted to be a part of a group that wasn’t just family.
Nothing against my family, I see them all of the time, but there are spots in your heart that your family just can’t fill.
Anyway, my overall takeaway from this video is putting in the conscious effort to make friends. I started to do this earlier this year. I reached out to a friend who I haven’t spoken to in five years and started up our friendship again. We might not be as close as we once were, but we consistently check in on each other.
Real Talk
I often struggle with feeling like I’m not good enough for the friends I do have. I didn’t finish college, I don’t have a job. I’m a stay at home mom with chronic mental and physical issues that sometimes writes blog posts. There isn’t much to me a lot of times. I mean, for the longest time, all I was remembered for was my love of Harry Potter (key word: was). I can’t blame my friends though. I was struggling with who I was as a person. If you can’t be your own friend, making friends might be really hard.
ADHD Friendships
I see a trend of those with ADHD (especially late diagnosed women) struggling with friendships too.
Hayley Honeyman said in her video that scheduling things with your friends frequently can help in maintaining them. She brings up a cup analogy that I feel compelled to share.
You are the medium cup. You have one friend that is the large cup and another that is the small cup.
You hang out with your small cup friend. They’re quite and like easy going, quiet activities. They fill up your cup just a bit. You’re still not satisfied. Then you hang out with your large cup friend who is outgoing and extroverted. They fill your cup up the rest of the way. You go back to your small cup friend and overfill their cup by dumping all of the events of your week on them at once.
Hayley explains it a lot better that I can, with visuals and everything. I recommend giving it a watch.
Final Thoughts
If you have made it this far, thank you. I know it was a bit all over the place, but I had a lot of thoughts to get out. Overall, relationships of any kind are hard. They require constant effort and work. It’s important to keep up with friends you do have and put yourself out there to make new ones.
Friendships in a society that is made to value individual experience over community interactions is hard. So many are increasingly apathetic and self-absorbed. Social media is addicting and bed rotting is real. To break the cycle of zoning out in our own worlds takes a lot of work.
I’m part of a discord book club. I just started commenting and posting on there. I’ve planned a community event (see my last post) and I’m planning on other ones. I would love to interact with others, and maybe find a friend who is willing to sing songs like theater kids with me.
